Sunday, March 21, 2010
If you are going to keep bringing people into my life to love, to represent your life to them (and I really want You to!!), then please give me the ability to do it. I am so overwhelmed by my life. Forgive my selfishness and increase my capacity.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
My friend Patty gave me this incredible book to read, "Better than my Dreams". I'm not even going to try to describe it - just get it and read it...a lot. This is what I read today:
"You may win awards and get fancy degress with letters to put by your name. You
may grow flowers that should grace the cover of Southern Living. Maybe your son
will become a senator.
But the tables can also turn the other direction. You may never reach your goals. Your garden may be come choked with weeds. Your children might grow up to disappoint you.
Neither picture - success or failure - is who you actually are if what really matters at the end of the day is this: you are a woman whom Jesus loves."
Once again, I'm amazed at God's ability to speak to my heart. It's like he knows what I'm thinking and sets up the answer before I can go looking for it! (lol)
So there might be a big black spot on the record of my life or maybe not. Either way, there is something more beautiful ahead which eclipses that and any other spots in the past or that will undoubtly appear in the future.
Friday, June 19, 2009
It's just not fun.
I was complaining to God the other day because I hit another huge roadblock in the immigration process with the kids. I couldn't understand how my "good" choice could result in such difficult circumstances....why would God allow one more mountain in this whole mountain range process of getting permanent residency.
As I was driving to work the other day, praying about all of this when I realized (ok, the Spirit gently reminded me) that this was not about God "allowing" anything. This was about choices and decisions that I made and was now having to face the repercussions of my actions. I was blaming God and even leading other people to puzzle about what God was doing.
God has been so faithful, so good to me. And so very patient with my slow learning curve. I confessed to my friends who graciously continue to love and support me despite my failures. And although I am hoping that the immigration issue is resolved in the way that I am asking, my prayers are focused less on asking God to do this for me and more about asking Him to again show mercy and grace to me. Even if this is not the path that opens up for me and I have to begin all over again, I'm at peace about it. I will accept the consequences for the choices I made and accept the promise that God still loves me and will keep loving me, teaching me, convicting me (in the tender way that he does) and leading me where I need to go.
Have mercy on me, O God because of your unfailing love.
Purify me from my sins and I will be clean;
wash me and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me - now let me rejoice...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
So back on my medication, the crawl out of the pit has been slow and difficult. I am beginning to see hope again but I am often paralized by fear particularly when it comes to finances. I am absolutely terrified. I know that it's irrational (isn't that what fear is?) and I know that God has promised to take care of me and the kids. I know. And He has faithfully done that. But I am still scared.
I also realized on my trip to Guatemala that I need people. I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family but it is very hard for me to ask for help, to ask for their presence. I don't want to be an imposition, to interupt their lives or to burden them with all my stuff. But I think I need to...I just don't know how to, exactly.
That's where I'm at. I don't know anyone is even reading this blog but if you are, I'd love you hear what you think and maybe some prayer.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
So I wonder, is that how it all works? And is emotional pain that much different from physical pain? You would think that just like healing of physical wounds removes the pain so too, would healing eventually remove emotional pain.
"that which does not kill you only makes you stronger" - Friedrich Nietzsche
Not a lot of comfort in thinking, "well thank goodness I'm not DEAD. whew, I should be stronger any day now..."
"we are perplexed but not driven to despair. we are hunted down
but never abandoned by God" - Paul (2 Cor. 4:9)
God, please don't abandon me. I know You won't but please convince me. I won't make it if you leave me.
"pain is temporary...we will transcend these circumstances,
that that this is not the life [God] has in store for [me]" - Kristin Armstrong
God, surprise me with more joy than I could ever imagine. But You know how bad I am with waiting so please indulge my weakness (yes, again...) and pull the curtain back so I can see.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
But then I got thinking about what it would take to be changed in those 'unimaginable' ways and I confess, I'm a little scared. Not that I don't trust God but the changing, the process can be so hard and honestly, I'm a little gun-shy when it comes to facing another struggle or difficulty. Between a rock and a hard place; I want God's dreams for me but if they could come via a less challenging route than the one I've been on lately...