taking matters into my own hands

I hate seeing my faults, my brokenness, my sin.
It's just not fun.

I was complaining to God the other day because I hit another huge roadblock in the immigration process with the kids. I couldn't understand how my "good" choice could result in such difficult circumstances....why would God allow one more mountain in this whole mountain range process of getting permanent residency.

As I was driving to work the other day, praying about all of this when I realized (ok, the Spirit gently reminded me) that this was not about God "allowing" anything. This was about choices and decisions that I made and was now having to face the repercussions of my actions. I was blaming God and even leading other people to puzzle about what God was doing.

*sigh*

God has been so faithful, so good to me. And so very patient with my slow learning curve. I confessed to my friends who graciously continue to love and support me despite my failures. And although I am hoping that the immigration issue is resolved in the way that I am asking, my prayers are focused less on asking God to do this for me and more about asking Him to again show mercy and grace to me. Even if this is not the path that opens up for me and I have to begin all over again, I'm at peace about it. I will accept the consequences for the choices I made and accept the promise that God still loves me and will keep loving me, teaching me, convicting me (in the tender way that he does) and leading me where I need to go.

Have mercy on me, O God because of your unfailing love.
Purify me from my sins and I will be clean;
wash me and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me - now let me rejoice...