overwhelmed and more...

Dear Father,
If you are going to keep bringing people into my life to love, to represent your life to them (and I really want You to!!), then please give me the ability to do it. I am so overwhelmed by my life. Forgive my selfishness and increase my capacity.
Much love,
your daughter

Success and failure

I was praying on my way to work this morning for some friends who are not well and others who are facing a difficult morning and for my kids. I'm sure there are no other people on the face of this planet that I love more and for whom I only want the best, to be the best mom I can be for them. And I was wishing that "divorced" was not an adjective that could be applied to me. It feels like a huge failure, a great big mark on the record of my life. I was telling God this very thing but knowing that He is as sorry about it (probably even more) as I am.

My friend Patty gave me this incredible book to read, "Better than my Dreams". I'm not even going to try to describe it - just get it and read it...a lot. This is what I read today:

"You may win awards and get fancy degress with letters to put by your name. You
may grow flowers that should grace the cover of Southern Living. Maybe your son
will become a senator.

But the tables can also turn the other direction. You may never reach your goals. Your garden may be come choked with weeds. Your children might grow up to disappoint you.

Neither picture - success or failure - is who you actually are if what really matters at the end of the day is this: you are a woman whom Jesus loves."

Once again, I'm amazed at God's ability to speak to my heart. It's like he knows what I'm thinking and sets up the answer before I can go looking for it! (lol)

So there might be a big black spot on the record of my life or maybe not. Either way, there is something more beautiful ahead which eclipses that and any other spots in the past or that will undoubtly appear in the future.

taking matters into my own hands

I hate seeing my faults, my brokenness, my sin.
It's just not fun.

I was complaining to God the other day because I hit another huge roadblock in the immigration process with the kids. I couldn't understand how my "good" choice could result in such difficult circumstances....why would God allow one more mountain in this whole mountain range process of getting permanent residency.

As I was driving to work the other day, praying about all of this when I realized (ok, the Spirit gently reminded me) that this was not about God "allowing" anything. This was about choices and decisions that I made and was now having to face the repercussions of my actions. I was blaming God and even leading other people to puzzle about what God was doing.

*sigh*

God has been so faithful, so good to me. And so very patient with my slow learning curve. I confessed to my friends who graciously continue to love and support me despite my failures. And although I am hoping that the immigration issue is resolved in the way that I am asking, my prayers are focused less on asking God to do this for me and more about asking Him to again show mercy and grace to me. Even if this is not the path that opens up for me and I have to begin all over again, I'm at peace about it. I will accept the consequences for the choices I made and accept the promise that God still loves me and will keep loving me, teaching me, convicting me (in the tender way that he does) and leading me where I need to go.

Have mercy on me, O God because of your unfailing love.
Purify me from my sins and I will be clean;
wash me and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me - now let me rejoice...

it's been a long time

I've been in a very dark place for the past several months. I made the decision to stop taking the anxiety/depression medication I had been taking for a few years and it was probably not a wise choice. It was while we were in Guatemala that I realized that I needed help.

So back on my medication, the crawl out of the pit has been slow and difficult. I am beginning to see hope again but I am often paralized by fear particularly when it comes to finances. I am absolutely terrified. I know that it's irrational (isn't that what fear is?) and I know that God has promised to take care of me and the kids. I know. And He has faithfully done that. But I am still scared.

I also realized on my trip to Guatemala that I need people. I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family but it is very hard for me to ask for help, to ask for their presence. I don't want to be an imposition, to interupt their lives or to burden them with all my stuff. But I think I need to...I just don't know how to, exactly.

That's where I'm at. I don't know anyone is even reading this blog but if you are, I'd love you hear what you think and maybe some prayer.

Thanks.

talking to God - you can listen or join the conversation if you like..

"...I felt the pain...but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it." - from "New Moon"

So I wonder, is that how it all works? And is emotional pain that much different from physical pain? You would think that just like healing of physical wounds removes the pain so too, would healing eventually remove emotional pain.

"that which does not kill you only makes you stronger" - Friedrich Nietzsche

Not a lot of comfort in thinking, "well thank goodness I'm not DEAD. whew, I should be stronger any day now..."

"we are perplexed but not driven to despair. we are hunted down
but never abandoned by God" - Paul (2 Cor. 4:9)

God, please don't abandon me. I know You won't but please convince me. I won't make it if you leave me.

"pain is temporary...we will transcend these circumstances,
that that this is not the life [God] has in store for [me]" - Kristin Armstrong

God, surprise me with more joy than I could ever imagine. But You know how bad I am with waiting so please indulge my weakness (yes, again...) and pull the curtain back so I can see.

God must love Boomer, too

The title is a giveaway, I know but here's the whole story...

On Wednesday we had a snow day - yay!! The kids were in and out, in and out and on one of the "outs" the door didn't get closed completely and Boomer (our dog, for those of you who have never met him) took that as an invitation to join the fun. Be the very social individual he is, Boomer saw our neighbours and immediately headed over to greet them and then he saw Lily - their dog, and all hell broke loose. The kids went screaming after him; Lily plopped down in the snow and braced for impact; Jim (my neighbour) was trying to get Lily's neck out of Boomer's mouth...utter chaos.

Now a little background: this is not Boomer's first offense. We have had to pay for other dogs to have stitches, have received visits from police officers and have taken Boomer to training classes. He is a problem. But we love him.

After Wednesday's disaster (thankfully Lily was ok) the kids and I had a few discussions about what to do next and sort of concluded that our only option might be to give him away. I cannot afford to be sued by someone because Boomer cannot control himself :) I talked to our vet and she recommended 'doggie daycare'; did you know that the Invisible Fence people do pet training? I set up an appointment and took Boomer in this morning.

After pooping on the floor three - yes THREE times - the trainer tried a few things with him. She thinks he can be trained but it would take at least two weeks of Canine Camp - $750 for two weeks. I could feel the hope draining out of me. There is no way that I can afford that and I told her so. But I left him there for the day so she could do some further evaluations and headed off to work thinking that we would probably have to try and find someone to take him. Ugh.

As I was leaving, I ran into a friend who I haven't seen in a couple of years. Linda dropping off her dog and asked me about Boomer and she told me that the trainer, Julie, had done amazing things with her dog (I remember Bruno; he's just a little fluff ball but he's a biter). We talked for a few more minutes and promised each other we'd get together soon.

Half an hour later I got a text from Linda: Boomer has been signed up for camp for two weeks.

Now, some people might think that's all a big coincidence. But I know better. God cares about everything in my life, even the crazy dog. It was not a random thing that I saw Linda today. And I am overwhelmed and humbled by a God who loves me, my kids, even Boomer that much. If He is taking care of this, how can I doubt that He's orchestrating everything in my life?

I am singing with Chris Tomlin... "how great is our God...."

change

I was reading Anne Lamott yesterday and she quoted Kathleen Norris: "prayer is not asking for what you think you want but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine." At first I thought about how 'right' that kindof thinking is; I may think I know what I need but my imagination is so limited compared to what God could be dreaming up for me.

But then I got thinking about what it would take to be changed in those 'unimaginable' ways and I confess, I'm a little scared. Not that I don't trust God but the changing, the process can be so hard and honestly, I'm a little gun-shy when it comes to facing another struggle or difficulty. Between a rock and a hard place; I want God's dreams for me but if they could come via a less challenging route than the one I've been on lately...